So yesterday I was feeling great and full of confidence. I had started my website finally and the internet connection had lasted long enough so that if people entered this site there was at least something for them to look at. I had had a very interesting and fruitful day at work on Monday and was full of confidence that this would be repeated again yesterday. The sun was shining, I had had a peaceful and fruitful morning and arrived at work, brimming with the idea of success and love.
And then, out of ‘nowhere’ – it happened. Running around and around in my head were these thoughts, telling me ‘they do not appreciate me’ – ‘life is not fair’ – ‘this place is unfair and dragging me down’ – ‘they change the rules specifically to pick on me’ and on and on and on. In the space of a few minutes my peaceful and loving mood was changed into one of unadulterated rage.
At going home time I stormed out in my most dramatic fashion (and believe me, I can be super dramatic) and got to my car to drive home. As I sat in the car, the seat of my jeans, which are my favourite old pair, finally gave up the ghost and a big hole appeared in them. Clearly my jeans were conspiring with the rest of the universe against me!
Then I drove home and as I entered the house (which I call La Casa de los Abuelos) I suddenly became aware of what was happening. All the way home in the car I had been repeating negative messages to myself and working myself up into a state of anger and an overwhelming sense of the injustice of it all. As I entered La Casa one of the first things I saw was Eckhart Tolle’s book ‘A New Earth’ which I am now reading for the umpteenth time, and I realized that somehow my ‘Pain Body’ had activated itself and that it was feeding on all the drama I myself was creating in my head.
I grabbed the dog, and we went for a walk in the orchard. Some of the palm trees surrounding the orchard had just shed their seed pods, and a lot of these seeds were lying on the driveway squashed by cars. And a little voice in my head said ‘Do you think the trees are in the same rage you are? They have spent all year producing their seeds and now your car has squashed their offspring. They are probably standing there hating you for driving your car over their seeds and not acknowledging how hard they worked and thinking your are conspiring against them’.
I sat down in the orchard, underneath a raging tree and told it my story of the day and it told me that it makes thousands of seeds in case silly people like me drive over some of them, and it makes those seeds simply because It Does and It Is and that it never really knows which one of its seeds will bear fruit and which ones will not, and it cannot be overly preoccupied with it. We sat for a while in companionable silence and when my Pain Body made one last attempt at coming back to go over the whole silly thing again, I looked at the tree and the tree looked at me, and we laughed.